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Post by lynn on Feb 25, 2009 18:35:04 GMT -4
I am posting in an attempt to gain some information for a friend.
What is the most economic way to have a funeral? My friend has her mother living with her and she doesn't have much time left. The mother doesn't have any money left after her illness and she also does not care if she is cremated or buried.
My friend also does not have a lot of money left after helping her mother and is trying to keep costs down. She asked me if I knew anything about funerals and how to do it for the cheapest cost. I told her that I don't know anything other than hearing Costco has caskets. Luckily, I have never had the responsibility of having to bury anyone.
She mentioned something about burying someone directly in the ground in a type of a burlap sack (immediately after death). I thought she was joking but she wasn't. Apparently people are doing this now? Maybe this is a "green thing" or a religious thing?
Anyway, I don't know anything about the different costs of funerals, etc.
A few of us are trying to help her out since she is pretty overwhelmed with everything. Has anyone heard of burlap sack burial? Also, does anyone know the different costs of things?
I thought I would just list my questions here first. I really don't feel comfortable about calling a funeral home and asking about the burlap bags.
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Post by lynn on Feb 25, 2009 18:35:34 GMT -4
I forgot. She lives in AA County, if that makes a difference.
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Post by al on Feb 25, 2009 18:44:30 GMT -4
The law is pretty flexible on the disposition of remains. Your friend can bury her mother on her property. I've heard of people doing that in AACO but I'd check with the county first. If cost is the driving force here she may want to consider donating her body to science - basically to a hospital where interns learn to work on a real body. Good luck.
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Post by mcbeth on Feb 25, 2009 19:10:59 GMT -4
Re: al's recommendation - I used to work @ University of Maryland, Baltimore, so as a former employee there, I will echo these sentiments. Your friend would be doing science a huge favor, the students a huge favor, and possibly generations down the road a huge favor. I've spoken with some of the students, and the impression I was given was that donated bodies are treated respectfully - the students who are learning about anatomy and the fields of study that require the use of cadavers are very grateful that people want to give of themselves so literally.
If she wants to do a little "splurge" tell her to invite some friends over to have a little bash to celebrate her mom's life.
I don't know if MD laws permit just putting someone directly into the ground, even if they are cremains. (I believe you actually have to have "permission" of some sort to spread ashes, but I also know that folks do that on the sly all of the time. Won't tell you where a little portion of my mom is headed once we decide a good time to do it...just so I don't get in trouble myself!). She would want to call a funeral director and just ask about that one - they should know some of the answers. In fact, if she visits a funeral director to just get some info and literature, and is upfront about the need to be frugal, they should be able to give some good ideas, too, if they are worth their salt.
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Post by lynn on Feb 26, 2009 14:18:14 GMT -4
Thanks for the info regarding Univ of Md, I will pass it on. Al, I'm assuming you mean that people's ashes can be buried on their properties (not an entire body).
Funny coincidence, last night I was watching Fit TV's "getting green with Sara Snow" and she did a piece on "green funerals". It is actually pretty neat IMO on how they bury people with no headstones and biodegradable caskets. People can find their loved ones by using a radar system like a gps that has their locations.
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Post by al on Feb 26, 2009 14:56:43 GMT -4
Thanks for the info regarding Univ of Md, I will pass it on. Al, I'm assuming you mean that people's ashes can be buried on their properties (not an entire body). I recall an article in The Capital a few years ago discussing that a family had buried thier daughter on their property. The piece said that there were quite a few of those situations in the County and they were legal. Here's a link to a local anatomic gift organization. They also include providing cremation of the remains.
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Post by lynn on Feb 26, 2009 15:16:19 GMT -4
Thanks for the info regarding Univ of Md, I will pass it on. Al, I'm assuming you mean that people's ashes can be buried on their properties (not an entire body). I recall an article in The Capital a few years ago discussing that a family had buried thier daughter on their property. The piece said that there were quite a few of those situations in the County and they were legal. Here's a link to a local anatomic gift organization. They also include providing cremation of the remains. Thanks! I think that is just what she is after. I think that I may even do something like that too. Thanks again.
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Post by Frank on Feb 26, 2009 15:45:37 GMT -4
If she is not up for it, creamation is a cheap alternative. A simple service can be held in a church (if she is religious) and the ashes can be divided between family, buried, or scattered across the bay.
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Post by shorti on Feb 26, 2009 17:23:06 GMT -4
Careful with the funeral homes though & have her have her ducks in a row prior to anything happening! I am speaking from experience. When my father-in-law passed - hospice had been brought in for the last few days - when he finally passed, they took care of everything - cleaning him up, etc - even to calling the local funeral home to pick him up. So they did & because 1- we had never been thru this & 2 - we were so out of it that we didn't think about it - we found out the hard way!!! So we went to the funeral home a little later that day & then it all sank in... the director (I suppose) knew he wanted to be cremated, put in a very simple black box - no service - nothing... the end... well the cost ....OVER 3K - now ask me what it included... transportation (picking him up from the house & to/from the crematory) & the preparation - which is nothing because he was being cremated - or very very minor at the very least... then we had to pay extra for the actual cremation & the box!!! I looked at this guy like he had 12 heads!!! uh ok so you're telling me it cost you $3K in gas to commute a dead body??? Hospice has already cleaned him up, removed all jewelry, put him in a suit, washed his face & combed his hair - hospice did everything... all they had to do was transport - seriously??? So what do you do? You're almost stuck... well fortunately for us my DH's Sister told him to call the funeral home back home (PA) who has done everyone in their families burials/cremations, etc. He told us that the place was robbing us or at the very least not being honest... so because we didn't know where else to turn - he ended up doing it - but had to have a colleague from MD sign the certificate but made all the arrangements for him to be picked up from this local joint - taken to the crematory & told us the remains would be sent via USPS. Cost - about 1800... & everything was done... then the local place tried to get us for $300 to transport him less than 10 miles??? I was like are freaking nuts dude!!!!!! The guy in PA personally paid it because he even thougth it was shafty...
So moral... don't use the local guy #1 - but do your research - get the info... cremation is less expensive if you want to do a service - do something small - at someones home - make a board or boards of pictures of how she used to be & the things/people she loves. and maybe even ask close friends/family to make a dish or something like that...
Best of luck - & my thoughts & prayers are with your friend & her family. It's tough to lose someone...
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Post by - on Feb 26, 2009 19:54:33 GMT -4
If this person is religious, I would ask the Priest or Minister for the church they belong to for advice as well. Normally there is a minimal charge of $100.00 for the church. Most churches also have a reception for the guests that the ladies of the church provide. I agree with Shorti, a nice display of photo's of happy days, and a celebration of one's life. As Frank stated, cremation is the less costly and the priest/minister would be the best to advise where to go. Ashes can be divided within the family, and they can be spread together or if a family member prefers, they can also store the remains in an urn.
I'm sorry your friend is going through this, and may God grant your friend peace during these challenging days.
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Post by moosie on Feb 26, 2009 20:41:38 GMT -4
how do you go about a cremation without going through a funeral home, especially for someone who does not want a service or any kind of fuss?
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Post by al on Feb 26, 2009 21:01:48 GMT -4
how do you go about a cremation without going through a funeral home, especially for someone who does not want a service or any kind of fuss? There are cremation facilities that will provide only that service (there's one on Mountain Rd in Pasadena). I had a buddy that lost the battle with his pick-up and a tree. He was cremated - there was a gathering at the waterside in south county (AA) and a get together at the local fire hall - A band, food, drinks - all brought by well wishers - it was the best remembrance of anyone I have ever witnessed. Well done and from the heart - probably cost no more than $1500 and it was excellent. Probably saved his family $20k.
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Post by lynn on Mar 14, 2009 11:03:21 GMT -4
Thanks for everyone's info. She has been reading the site and was able to use some of the suggestions and ended up doing a combination donation of organs/free burial.
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Post by lynn on Mar 14, 2009 11:52:38 GMT -4
Careful with the funeral homes though & have her have her ducks in a row prior to anything happening! I am speaking from experience. When my father-in-law passed - hospice had been brought in for the last few days - when he finally passed, they took care of everything - cleaning him up, etc - even to calling the local funeral home to pick him up. So they did & because 1- we had never been thru this & 2 - we were so out of it that we didn't think about it - we found out the hard way!!! So we went to the funeral home a little later that day & then it all sank in... the director (I suppose) knew he wanted to be cremated, put in a very simple black box - no service - nothing... the end... well the cost ....OVER 3K - now ask me what it included... transportation (picking him up from the house & to/from the crematory) & the preparation - which is nothing because he was being cremated - or very very minor at the very least... then we had to pay extra for the actual cremation & the box!!! I looked at this guy like he had 12 heads!!! uh ok so you're telling me it cost you $3K in gas to commute a dead body??? Hospice has already cleaned him up, removed all jewelry, put him in a suit, washed his face & combed his hair - hospice did everything... all they had to do was transport - seriously??? So what do you do? You're almost stuck... well fortunately for us my DH's Sister told him to call the funeral home back home (PA) who has done everyone in their families burials/cremations, etc. He told us that the place was robbing us or at the very least not being honest... so because we didn't know where else to turn - he ended up doing it - but had to have a colleague from MD sign the certificate but made all the arrangements for him to be picked up from this local joint - taken to the crematory & told us the remains would be sent via USPS. Cost - about 1800... & everything was done... then the local place tried to get us for $300 to transport him less than 10 miles??? I was like are freaking nuts dude!!!!!! The guy in PA personally paid it because he even thougth it was shafty... So moral... don't use the local guy #1 - but do your research - get the info... cremation is less expensive if you want to do a service - do something small - at someones home - make a board or boards of pictures of how she used to be & the things/people she loves. and maybe even ask close friends/family to make a dish or something like that... Best of luck - & my thoughts & prayers are with your friend & her family. It's tough to lose someone... Shorti, and everyone else too, I can't tell you how true your statement is. I posted this on the forum because I had no ideas for her on this subject. I was absolutely appalled at what some of the places were trying to talk her into (with very high price tags when they knew she didn't have much money). I understand sales people use all sorts of tactics to try to sell things to people. I had a vacuum cleaner salesman come to my house once and when he wasn't making much progress with me, he took out of his briefcase large colored photos of dust mites that he says lives in my bed. He was trying to get me disgusted and sick and purchase his vacuum with the expensive attachments. He couldn't believe that I didn't want to get rid of them. I told him that I didn't care they were in my bed. I couldn't see them, I couldn't feel them, they weren't biting me as far as I could tell, and they weren't making me itch or anything else, so they can stay put. Plus, if I determined in my mind that I didn't want these mites in my bed and I was going to start vacuuming the bed... how would I know they were gone If I can't see them anyway? Yes, It was a nice vacuum cleaner, but I told him right from the beginning that there was no way in heck that I was going to pay more for a vacuum cleaner than I did for my first car (also my second and third!). Anyway, the tactics some sales people use are just despicable. The things that they told me friend were beyond immoral. They tried to make her feel that she didn't love her mother if she didn't get this and this and this, etc. They also tried to scare her and tell her in details about the gruesome process of things (so she would purchase what they wanted). They knew from the beginning that she didn't have much money and when she kept telling them that they offered an "easy payment plan" (which had an interest rate of 20.99). Some places pray on people's innocence, or emergency, or emotions at a time when they are feeling very weak and down. I am just very glad that my friend had the good sense to ask others for advice because she was feeling so overwhelmed and was having trouble thinking clearly. In times of a rough economy, I would think businesses would try to cut their costs and get customers by offering the best deals around, etc. What some of my girlfriends and I are finding out is that some businesses are doing the exact opposite to women, the very old, the very young, and anyone they think that they can get away with it. What some of these businesses are doing is taking any business that they get walking through the door and squeezing every penny out of them. I guess some of these businesses are trying to make up with the lack of business that they are getting by trying to make very high profits off of some of those walking through their doors. My girlfriends and I called the Attorney Generals' offices (several states we live in) and a couple of other advocacy groups. Most of the things we told them about they couldn't do anything because most of the things the businesses were doing were legal (not all though). They did agree that the things going on seemed very shady and unethical and were going to keep a watch on these businesses. Some things we told them about they were going to take immediate action on. The shaky economy is making/creating many businesses to do unethical things. I don't know the statistics or anything so please don't ask me. No, I don't just get together with my girlfriends and complain about businesses or how our family and friends got taken for a ride, etc. I belong to a nationwide science based group with a site that also has a forum section with different off based topics; one of the things we have been discussing lately is what is happening to some of our businesses and how they are taking advantage of people. Again, my thanks for your advice. Also, to anyone who feels that they are going through a hard time and that their judgment may not be so good, or that they are having trouble making decisions on things... please ask others for some candid advice before making your decision.
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Post by - on Mar 26, 2009 20:20:27 GMT -4
Hi Lynn, I hope your friend is doing OK, and maybe the link below will help her. I had a friend 2 years ago who passed away from brain cancer. Once she knew that she was terminal, she made a homepage on this web site. It's a place where she can put photo's on, someone can give an update if she doesn't feel so well. My friend Annie enjoyed reading every day, and when she felt ok, she would post for herself. In a way, it kept her going. Maybe your friend will like to do something like this as well. www.CaringBridge.org-cg
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Post by dogluver on Jun 10, 2009 0:55:15 GMT -4
Thanks for everyone's info. She has been reading the site and was able to use some of the suggestions and ended up doing a combination donation of organs/free burial. She made an excellent choice.
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Post by bluecrabber on Jun 10, 2009 8:14:16 GMT -4
I used to know a fella (dead now) who owned a couple funeral homes in Florida. He lived here in MD.
I asked him why in Florida? He said: "That's where all the old people are".
I asked how the funeral home business was? He said: "The bereaved spare no expense for their loved ones!"
He seemed to be doing rather well.
Hmmmmm...
Best regards, BC
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